In this section of the website, we present a variety of articles and resources you can use at home with your son or daughter.  Scan through this page to find articles of interest to you.

Setting Limits

by Kathryn Kvols

What are limits?
Limits tell your family under what condition you are willing or unwilling to do something. They tell your family where you “draw the line.” They tell them what you will or will not tolerate. Their purpose is to take care of you. Limits are not designed to control or manipulate someone else’ behavior. Here are three examples:

Example 1. A mother was playing basketball with her two teenage sons. The boys were getting competitive and soon the game wasn’t fun. Mother announced, “It is not fun for me when you two fight. When you are ready to make it fun again, come and get me. I’d love to play again.”

Example 2.

“Children need you to set limits so that they can recognize and respect other people’s limits”

I was holding hands roller-skating with my daughter. She said in a very demanding tone of voice, “Skate faster!” This wasn’t the first time I had noticed that she was being demanding so I said, “I am unwilling to have you talk like that to me. It makes me feel like not cooperating with you and if you continue, I will skate by myself.”

Example 3. A daughter asked her mother to take her to the video store and rent her a movie. Her daughter had already spent her allowance that week. Mom said, “I’d be willing to take you to the video store but, I am unwilling to rent you a movie.” Limits give others important information about you to help them know what they can or cannot expect from you. They are about you. Not about criticizing someone else’s behavior or about trying to make them act in a certain way.

Why do children need limits?

* Children need you to set limits so that they can recognize and respect other people’s limits.
* Limits provide a sense of security. When children don’t know your limits they feel lost in an abyss. They feel confused and sometimes literally bounce around trying to find some.
* Limits make children feel like we care about them. Children who are raised without limits often feel abandoned.
* Children need limits to learn how to deal with conflict. What happens when someone tells me I have over stepped his or her limits? *What happens when someone disrespects mine?
* Children need limits to help them define themselves. They help them clarify their own limits because they have seen your model.
* Limits help them to learn what is socially acceptable and what is not.
* Children need to learn that if they go past a certain point, there will be consequences. Some of them may be serious.

What issues need limits?
You may want to set limits about the use of your belongings, TV watching, bedtime, your time, the use of profanity, mealtime, chores, care and feeding of pets. This is not a conclusive list. Make a list of important issues for you.

How do we know when our limits are being violated?
The best clue to determine whether or not you limits are being violated is by being in touch with your feelings. If any of the following feelings sound familiar you know your limits are being dishonored. Or that you are not being clear about them. Anger, resentment, impositioned, smothered, taken advantage of, abused, like you are pulling more than your fair share of the weight, unappreciated, like you are being divided between two people you love, taken for granted, a child taxi cab driver, wondering what about me?

Why do we have a difficult time setting limits?
Our ability to set and follow through with limit setting will be largely determined by how you were parented as a child. If you were in any of the following situations, setting limits may be difficult for you.

* Not having any limits as a child, being unsupervised
* Being told messages like, “Don’t make waves,” “Children are to be seen and not heard” “You are being selfish.”
* If you were told it wasn’t “nice” to assert yourself
* If there was abuse in home either mental, physical, emotional, sexual, drug and alcohol or work.
* If there was someone in your family that you had to give up your needs for because they were sick or disabled.
* If self-sacrifice was modeled and expected of you.
* If intimidation was used to motivate you.
* Sometimes we don’t set limits because we don’t feel we deserve them.
* Or we feel guilty about our own actions such as, working too much or getting a divorce.

What we do instead of setting limits?
We often choose one of the following behaviors rather than setting limits because we are afraid of creating conflict. We are afraid the other person will get angry or leave us, or reject us. We may even feel that what we say or do will not make a difference anyway. Instead directly setting limits we sometimes indirectly handle these situations by:

* Denial (Acting or pretending as though it didn’t happen)
* Ignore it and hope it’ll go away
* Talk yourself out of how you are feeling (I shouldn’t feel that way because … )
* Making excuses for the other person’s behavior (He only said that because he was tired.)
* Ruminating about the issue (Going over and over the event in your mind, trying to make sense of it.)
* Blame someone else
* Blame yourself (if I had only done … he wouldn’t act this way.)
* Getting even
* Hiding behind righteousness (I’m above having those feelings.)
* Pretending that you don’t care
* Withholding your love or your communication

What can we expect when we start setting limits?
When you first start setting limits, you can expect that your child’s behavior will get worse. They will test you. They will try everything in their power to get you to go back to the way you used to be. So, make sure your seat belt is fastened. You may be going for a ride!

Steps for setting limits

1. Honor your feelings. Remember feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are.
2. Get clear about what you want. What you are and are not willing to do.
3. Present the information to your family member using an “I” statement. For example, “I am unwilling to wash clothes that are not in the hamper.” There should be no blame, shame, guilt, exaggerations or complaining. Do this step as soon as possible to prevent an unnecessary build up of resentment
4. Be ready to “stick to your guns.” Be consistent and follow through.

Kathryn Kvols, a national speaker, is the author of the book, “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” and the president of the International Network for Children and Families. She can be reached at 1-800-257-9002.

Source (Accessed  2/25/2010): http://www.montessori.org/story.php?id=275

Avoiding Power Struggles with Children

by Kathryn J. Kvols

Mom is in the kitchen preparing dinner. Ten-year-old Ryan comes in and asks for a candy bar.

Mom says, absently, “Not right now. Dinner will be ready in an hour.”

“Why not? I’m hungry now,” Ryan insists.

“You know we don’t eat candy right before dinner, Ryan!” Mom says irritatedly.

“Yeah, but I’m starving. Come on, just one little candy bar.”
Mom stops what she’s doing and turns angrily at Ryan. “I told you no candy before dinner and that’s all there is to it!”

“But I’m hungry. Why can’t I have something to eat when I’m hungry?”

“You are not going to eat a candy bar before dinner. You know the rules in this house. And if you keep this up, you’ll go to your room and skip dinner entirely!”

“But, Mom…”

“Is this really about the candy bar?”

Is this a power struggle or just a typical dialogue between a parent and child? And, is this really about the candy bar?

A power struggle is when a person holds one position and another person holds a different position and both are unwilling to change their positions. Then it becomes a struggle for power. It is rarely about the issue at hand. It is about feeling powerless and wanting to feel more power within the situation.

Let’s look at the difference between “authentic power” and “coercive power.” Coercive power arises from judging children and situations as “bad” or “wrong” and whose ultimate outcome is separation from our children. Force is used to manipulate our child to do what we, as the parent, want them to do. Force includes the use of guilt, threats, punishment, spanking, sarcasm, criticism, intimidations, humiliation, withdrawal of love, yelling, nagging, or any other attempt to control or force our child to do something against her will. Coercive power motivates through fear instead of love and teaches children to be externally motivated rather than driven by their own set of rules or consciences. This allows children to look for outside sources to blame for their mistakes or for others to be responsible for their happiness.

On the other hand, authentic power does not judge a child as “wrong” or “bad,” but works to solve problems in ways that will unite or bond with our children through understanding and loving unconditionally. Its intention is to build positive self-concepts and to make sure that everyone wins. It is the ability to empower others to become motivated through paying attention to their own internal feelings, wants and desires, and to listen quietly for inner guidance. Authentic power teaches children that they are their own source of happiness. The end result is closeness, respect, responsibility, cooperation and a sense of joy and aliveness.

Unfortunately, coercive power is very seductive because it often works in the short-term and it is how most of us were parented so we are comfortable with it. It is very easy to use, but it seldom brings lasting results and it definitely creates strains in our relationships. So, how do we stop using it?

The first step in using authentic power is to realize that your child is not bad. That, in fact, your child is “being” just like you when you don’t get one of your needs met.

Secondly, admit that coercive behavior is not getting you the results you want, i.e., more closeness and cooperation with your child.

The third step involves using a combination of the 17 ways to avoid power struggles in this article.

The fourth step is experimenting with the alternatives and acknowledging yourself if you were successful. If you weren’t, ask yourself how you will do it differently next time. Gently encourage yourself.

The last step is to choose a method of personal growth for yourself that will unblock your ability to unconditionally love yourself, your child, your spouse, and others in your life. This could be books, personal growth courses, or private counseling, but it will help you help yourself.

The following alternatives are 17 ways to avoid power struggles. These are wonderful ways to use authentic power in your relationships with your children and it promotes positive self-concepts and cooperation. Use any or all of these suggestions and see what a difference it makes!

1. Use friendly action. Oftentimes we nag and nag our children about what they should be doing. Or we talk so much that our children become “parent deaf.” Use friendly action instead. For example, you ask your child to pick up his toy from the living room floor. He says, “In just a minute.” A minute goes by and the toy still isn’t picked up. Put a friendly smile on your face, bring your child over to the toy on the floor and walk away. If he says, “What?” just continue smiling and walk away. The minute you start answering questions or talking, you leave the door open to engage in a verbal struggle.

2. Use one word suggestions. We make over 2,000 compliance requests daily to our children, “pick up your toys,” “brush your teeth,” “eat your cereal,” etc. That kind of communication gets old and children just begin to tune it out. Instead, use one word, like “toys” or “teeth” or “cereal.” Make sure it is in a friendly voice and with a smile. Tell your children ahead of time that you are going to stop nagging so much and that you will be using just one word from now on to say what needs to be done.

3. No is a complete sentence. Children are programmed from birth to push and resist against rules. Saying no is just a boundary and if you feel guilty or bad for saying no, you are training your children to have the belief that life should go their way and if it doesn’t, it’s your fault as their parent! Say no, just once, and if she throws a tantrum, walk out of the room and let her anger be her problem.

4. Teach your children to say no to you in a respectful way. How many of us were allowed to say no growing up? If we weren’t allowed to, we did say no in a number of other ways. Like rebelling, or doing a job half-way. Teach your children to say respectfully, “No, I’m not willing to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and clear the table.” This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.
Let your children know
how valuable they are to you.

5. Give your child choices. We all like to feel powerful and influential and our children are no different. Let them make as many choices as they can that will give them control over what happens to them. For instance, “Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?” or “Do you want to take your bath before I read you a story or after?”

6. Let your children know how valuable they are to you. The more they feel valuable to us, the less likely they are to misbehave. Ask their advice on buying clothes, or how to decorate your home. Have them teach you a game or a fun activity.

7. Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict. Most of us were not taught the concept of win-win negotiation. We most likely experienced situations that were win-lose or lose-lose. In a power struggle the most effective negotiations are when both sides win and are happy with the end results. It can be challenging since you must listen intently to what the other person wants while staying committed to what you want. Ask your child, “I see how you can win and that’s great, because I want you to win. How can I win, too?” When children see that you are just as interested in seeing them win as yourself, they are more than willing to help figure out ways that you both can win.

8. Brainstorm solutions to the struggle. The idea is to get wild and crazy and to never discount someone else’s idea. Write all the suggestions down and then hand the list to your child first. She will go through them and cross off the ones that she doesn’t like. Then you get the paper and the opportunity to cross off the ones you don’t like. Usually there will be two or three suggestions left that the two of you can come to an agreement about. This is a wonderful problem-solving method and with enough practice, it can be done without writing anything down.

9. Give your child appropriate ways to be powerful. We all want to feel powerful and if we don’t have opportunities to do it appropriately, we will create ways to feel powerful that are inappropriate–like power struggles or picking on siblings. In the middle of a battle with your child, stop and ask yourself, “How can I give my child more power in this particular situation?” It might be as simple as asking him for his help or giving him a particular job to do that he is totally in charge of.

10. Use signals. Sometimes when a parent and child are working on resolving recurring power struggles, it is helpful to have a signal that alerts both of them to this pattern of behavior. Use signals that you both have agreed upon and feel comfortable using. Remember the more power and control you give your child, the more likely he will be to cooperate. Signals that are funny are also a light way of reminding each other about your patterns.

11. Make learning fun and enjoyable. Many of us approach disciplining our children with a serious, no-fun-allowed attitude. But think about how much more you learn when you are enjoying yourself. For example, try singing “no” instead of speaking in your usual admonishing tone of voice. Or use a gibberish language to ask your child to pick up his socks from the living room floor. That’s a lot better than getting tense and angry and having the power struggles escalate. Some people believe they don’t have time to think of unique ways to teach their children or that they aren’t creative enough to come up with ideas. Those are just self-limiting thoughts and you would be better served throwing them out of your brain. What is the real cost of handling the struggles in negative ways and what is the lesson that you are really teaching your children? A great skill for them to have as adults is to think of fun ways to handle difficult situations. You might be able to immediately win a power struggle by forcing your child to do something, but in the long run, you both lose.

12. GEMS. In a University of Iowa study, it was found that the average child gets 432 negative comments per day versus 32 positive comments. This is why it is so important to offer your child Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS) to help them feel important, cared for and valuable. The more supported your child feels, the less she will want to engage you in power struggles to get a sense of importance. The investment of giving your full attention and curiosity to your child for a few minutes several times a day will pay big dividends by making your child feel special, unique and loved.

13. Use self-quieting. This is a method you or your child can do instead of reacting negatively to a situation. Take a break to get into a peaceful state of mind, to work through your emotions and find alternative solutions to the problem. It is a way to get calm instead of reacting in an angry or hurtful way. Try counting to ten or go to a special space you have created for yourself that is peaceful. Ask yourself the following questions: (1) What is the problem? (2) What is my part in the problem? (3) What is one thing I can do to improve the situation?

14. Understand that misbehavior is a form of communication. If we hold the belief that misbehaving children are “bad,” then we get drawn into trying to fix the bad child and make them “good.” That type of thinking sets up the power struggle system. Instead, understand that your misbehaving child is trying to communicate something to you and it is your job to “hear” that message. A more positive way to communicate to your child about their misbehavior is to ask them if their behavior is effective, are they getting the results they wanted. That way the judgment is taken out of the situation. You could say, “That doesn’t look like it worked because it made you really mad. What else could you do?” or show curiosity about their behavior, “Honey, I’m curious, why did you do that?” You will probably get an honest answer and have a better understanding about what is going on with your child.

15. Don’t major in the minors. The average American child receives approximately 13 minutes a day in actual communication with his parents. The parents spend 9 minutes of that time correcting, criticizing or arguing with their child. That only leaves 4 minutes with anything positive happening. So, carefully choose the major issues to work on with your child, don’t hassle them with a lot of minor problems. Working on too many issues at once can be overwhelming.

16. Detach. Sometimes we create patterns of reactive behavior with our children. They do something we don’t like, we react to it, they do something else, we react to that, and pretty soon, we are reacting to each other. The problems escalate and we begin to control or force our children to do things they don’t want. We aren’t solving the problem and our reactions are hurting our child and ourselves. The first step in detaching is to understand that reaction and control will not work. The next step is to self-quiet, get peaceful and balanced. Out of that peaceful calm, a solution or an intuitive thought will emerge that will effectively resolve the problem.

17. Take care of yourself. Have you ever noticed that when you are tired, overworked and overscheduled that you become irritable and controlling of your children? Probably the most important thing you can do for your children is to take care of yourself. To be effective and loving parents we need a lot of energy and encouragement. Make time for you whether it is a bubble bath, a workout at the gym, or meditation. Knowing your early warning signs of burnout is also helpful. It might be feeling overwhelmed, or your shoulders getting tight, or just a sense of being grumpy. These are symptoms of not taking enough time for you and if you don’t take that time, you’ll begin resenting the time others demand from you.Everyone wants to feel powerful. Our children are not exempt from these feelings so the more we can do to give them appropriate ways to feel powerful, the less power STRUGGLES we will have with them.  If a child feels valued, loved and respected, he will still create power struggles because he is human. But if parents consistently keep in mind why their child does this, the struggles can be effectively handled and many times avoided altogether.

Kathryn Kvols, a national speaker, is the author of the book, “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” and the president of the International Network for Children and Families. She can be reached at 1-800-257-9002.

Source (Accessed 2/25/2010):  http://www.montessori.org/story.php?id=270

10 Signs Your Child is Ready to Potty Train

by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.

For many first-time parents of toddlers, potty training is a major hurdle, or at least a mystery. At fifteen months, your toddler is perfectly happy to walk around with a wet diaper. He finds the feel of squishy BM against his bottom not at all uncomfortable, unless he has a rash. He may seem vaguely interested in watching while you sit on the toilet, but he doesn’t seem to make any connection between that and anything that he might do in that little plastic chair you’ve so thoughtfully provided for him. How do you get from this point, to the point of having a two year old who knows when he has to use the toilet, and how to use it?

You don’t have to wait until your child is ready to toilet train him, but it makes it much easier if you do! When children are ready, the process of toilet training usually is pretty quick and easy – a matter of two to four months of not too hard work. You simply let your child see what you do, explain it a couple of times, and gently urge him to try it himself. A little praise for the efforts helps, but you don’t need to go overboard. After all, doing grown-up things is rewarding to children (that’s why they play house, and pretend to take care of baby dolls.) When your child is ready, he’ll feel that using the potty is his own accomplishment. That’s as it should be.

So, here are the top 10 signs that your toddler is ready to master the potty:

1. She’s able to walk well on her own, and can pull down her own pants (elastic waistbands are good for this) and diaper.
2. She shows that she’s aware of what’s going on in her diaper– either by saying something like “poo” or by looking uncomfortable when her diaper is full, or pausing in her playing.
3. She’s interested in what you do in the bathroom, coming in to watch from time to time. She might help to flush, or wave “bye, bye” to the departing poop.
4. She’s not completely caught up in needing to say “no” to everything you suggest (the automatic “no” stage is usually between about 18 and 30 months.)
5. She has tried to sit on the potty, with her pants and diaper on, and doesn’t seem to mind it. She feels “friendly” towards “her” potty.
6. She understands when you ask, in a mildly interested way, “Do you need to use the potty?”
7. She’s fascinated by putting things into containers (blocks into the box, pouring sand or water in and out of a bucket.)
8. She feels proud when she can do something “all by myself.”
9. Her diaper is dry and clean often for a couple of hours at least.
10. She’s interested in “big girl underpants.”

Most children are ready to start potty training around age 2-1/2, some not till age three. You might put the potty out for them to get used to some months before then.

Just because you wait for signs of readiness doesn’t mean that you have to be a passive bystander. You know your child best. If your child responds well to directions and praise, then by all means let him know what you expect. If your child resists being told what to do, you’ll need to be careful that toileting doesn’t become a battleground. Toddlers can’t control much in their world, but they do control what goes into their bodies, and what comes out. Waiting until your strong-willed toddler is ready, then gently helping him to feel comfortable using the potty because he wants to, is a good way to avoid a battle over poop that you’re bound to lose.

Source(Accessed 1/25/10):  http://www.drspock.com/article/0,1510,24422+AgeY1_2+cbx_behavior,00.html